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06-03-2014 My last column about buying a 1952 Topps set was quite well received. I appreciate all who took time to read it, and those who chatted with me about it. Though I was frustrated, it was my hope that I could do something positive with all the negative vibes and turn that experience into something entertaining for my customers/readers. Based on the feedback, mission accomplished. Still, this time around, I made myself focus on something positive. Not everything on the internet has to be negative, even though that's an easier angle to pull off. I'll get back to negativity and snarkiness later, but now for some unbridled fun. This is actually a topic I've threatened to write about since high school. Back then, there is a discovery that universally excites every young male. An itch, a passion. The pursuit of this is hard-wired into our exploratory, conquering genes. Boobies! Aw damn it. That's not what I meant. Let's try this again. Driving! Yes, that's it. Long before driving becomes a necessary evil, an exercise in patience and a frustration that makes you judge the whole world (I'm nearly promising that there will be a 'bad driver' column following this up someday), driving is an exciting new privilege that allows a young man to explore the world on his own, or with just friends and no buzzkilling chaperones. Back in high school, we had precious few months of driving under our belts (not seatbelts, mind you - lest we forget the other great part of being a teenager - invincibility) before my friends and I had in-depth discussions about our favorite things that could happen out on the road. No longer was our world confined to home and school; when you were out 'cruising' you might as well have been Christopher Columbus discovering new lands and new cultures....not to mention getting lost quite a bit. This is dating myself, but around the time I was issued my license, OJ had yet to kill anyone, and the internet was barley in existence. There were no Google Maps, and barely cells phones, and certainly no map apps for your phone. Atlases, baby - no car was without one (or two). I think that's about enough 'ado,' so let's get to the meat of this column. Just remember a time when driving was more of a fun adventure than a necessary evil. I would say to buckle up, but again, seat belts optional. For lack of a better title, these are my Top 7 Driving Maneuvers...a column 20 years in the making. Lucky #7 - Getting Lucky And there I was a minute ago promising you this column wasn't about boobs! Well, suck it. Or them, rather. The horn isn't the only thing you can honk in a car. The #7 spot goes to the only thing on my list that you can do in Park. Sex. (But bonus points for anyone who can pull this off while actually driving.) I have stories to accompany many of these bullet points, but I'd better keep those to myself in this case. In lieu of my tales, here's a goofy clip from Mallrats you can get some mileage out of. #6 - Timing a row of green lights properly... Traffic, slow drivers, semis, certain genders, certain races (*ahem*)...they all ruin a good drive. Add to that list: red lights. Story: (Warning: Take a drink every time I write "back in high school.") Back in high school, one place my buddies and I would cruise to was Ottawa (Illinois, I'm not Canadian). I never did pay attention to the names of roads, but searching for them now I think the names of the specific streets were LaSalle and Columbus. Sister streets that ran one-way for several blocks. Anyway, there was a stop light every block, but at the beginning, you could see the whole way down the stretch. These roads were at least three lanes across, and at night they weren't busy at all; plenty of room to navigate. If you started at just the right time and sped just a little bit, you could hit all green lights - probably 6 or 7 of them. Not bad at all, and certainly a feeling of accomplishment when you nailed it just right. ("Nailing it" in a different sense than #7 above.) Moving on... #5 - Truck surfiiiiiinnnnnng! This is where the country boys separate themselves from the city folk. Although my family moved around a bit when I was growing up, I spent the majority of my teen years in and around Mendota, IL, a farming community of just over 7000 people. It also happened to be the largest town in about a 15-20 mile radius. In between were fields full of corn and soybeans, and miles upon miles of country roads. You know, the backdrop Mellencamp got famous singing about. So back in high school (welllll...drink already), my friend Josh had an old Isuzu P'up, which is pretty much the EZ Bake Oven equivalent of pick-up trucks. Perfect for the high schooler who had nothing really to haul except a couple extra friends. I'm sure at least half of the following things on that truck didn't work: door handles, A/C, radio, horn - but I can't remember which ones. But some of the hundreds of thousands of miles on that truck were spent with us truck surfing in the back. Fairly self-explanatory, but if you don't know, it's basically just standing up in the back while the driver either tries to drive cautiously enough to keep you upright, or intentionally swerves, brakes, accelerates, and hits bumps to try to get you to sit your ass down. Good times! Story: There is actually footage of me doing this. But it was for a History class project about the presidents. I'm not sure how exactly we tied in truck surfing with the presidency, but we were fairly creative. And luckily, this video is on VHS, so it will be obsolete and unwatchable soon. I do like the fact that I have more hair, but that doesn't outweigh the braces and acne. #4 - Randomness of radio This is kind of a difficult one to explain, because I've never discussed this theory. I'm not sure if it only exists in my head, or with everyone. Here goes... We all have plenty of music available to us. Even music that we own instead of just sampling on Spotify or YouTube. Between CDs and MP3s, we still have tons of songs at our fingertips that we can crank while driving. However, sometimes I'm just plain old bored with the music on my iPod. I need something new, and random. (Extremely random, not like hitting 'shuffle.') This is where the radio comes in. You can't control the songs on the radio, just the genre, if that. (Not counting Sirius, where you can probably narrow it down a little more specifically.) Anyway, my point is this, you may have all the big Rush songs on your iPod, or a "Best of Rush" CD stuck in your sun visor, but if you're scanning stations and "Spirit of Radio" comes on, it can incite a little excitement that isn't the same as if you would have popped in the CD. Again, maybe this is just me. I can be weird about music. #3 - Driving 100+ MPH Do you ever feel the need, the need for speed? Me too! There is a coming of age moment when a boy first drives a car over 100 MPH. I don't know if this needs much more explanation. If you like driving fast and like round numbers, this is a nice goal. Achieving this takes some balls, and maybe the slightest bit of planning, because you do need a nice, open stretch where the whole strip is in view. Out in the country is preferable, but it definitely CANNOT be on a gravel road, or you'll end up in a ditch...but only after you flip about eight times first. Or you need a straight-away on the interstate where you are relatively sure no cops are gonna catch you...and if you're considerate, somewhere there isn't much traffic except you.  Not mine, officer. Stock image. Story: Back in college (Psych! Did you drink?), we did a show in Richmond, VA. It was hot as balls down there, probably the 2nd hottest show I've ever done outside of the Atlanta National in... um, 1999? (Yep, score.) Regardless, the set-up goes like this. I was taking a summer class and needed to get back after the show for an exam. So Joe drove my car over to Indi, and flew to Richmond or Dulles or somewhere. A dude who went by Beavis and I drove the cards/cases down to the show. It was a magnificent drive through hills and valleys, where we actually saw misty mountains while listening to "Misty Mountain Hop." Highly recommended! The deal was that I was to leave the show early on Sunday, ride with another dealer-friend up to Dulles, and catch a flight back to Indi. Well, there was a layover in Cinci, either due to weather or the plane or routine delays, (which especially sucked because Cincinnati and Indianapolis are so close) and I didn't arrive in Indi until either midnight or 1AM. At this time, I had a 1998 Olds Intrigue. I loved that car. Not to disparage a minivan, but this was easily my favorite car I've ever owned. Beautiful and fast, just like Koufax's curve and heater, respectively. Between being tired and kinda pissed at the length of the trip, I gunned it home, and this is probably the only time I drove 100+ on an interstate. The bitch of this story is that Joe and Beavis actually beat me home, even though they drove, I flew, and they left after I did. #2 - The Sandwich (a.k.a. Convoy, for anyone who did a lot of driving during the '70s) Not as rare as a unicorn, this happens about as infrequently as a tiger escaping the zoo. As I've made clear, I like to drive fast. Not only is it fun, but I also like to get where I'm going as quickly as possible. And it's fun! The problem is I'm not super-fond of getting speeding tickets. I mean, the cop actually makes you stop so he/she can give you the ticket. What the hell? That's the opposite of going fast. (If you consider that you can also drive fast in reverse.) Anyway, despite my three speeding tickets, I think all have been expunged because I got the court supervision thing and stayed good long enough afterwards, which removed them from my record. However, there is a way to speed and drastically reduce your risk of being busted, and that is to sandwich yourself in between two other people who are speeding. It's like the other two drivers are the cookie outsides of an Oreo, and you get to be everyone's favorite - the delicious cream filling! (That's what she said.) This proves to be a rare find though. If two vehicles are traveling together, they generally know each other and won't allow someone to step into that space between them. If they don't know each other, there is more psychology in play. The lead car is generally the first to speed, and the second car is just an opportunistic scavenger. I know this because I have occasionally passed someone and then "picked them up" as they used me like a lead blocker. That's pretty cool too, because if you both blow by the 5-0, I'd think the person following is going to be pulled over 80% of the time. Anyway, if you find two (or more) cars who are speeding together, get yourself insulated and into the sweet spot between them. You're gonna go fast and have the luxury of being nearly immune to tickets. What a rush! #1 - Blowing someone's doors off at a stoplight In all honesty, I don't really have a name for this one. Currently accepting submissions... What I can tell you is that the set-up for this stunt has to be just right, and your timing is absolutely critical. If you'll allow me to get my Paint on for a sec, I'll walk you through an image.... 
First, you need an intersection with a stop light. Second, there must be at least two lanes going straight. Third, at least one car must be waiting, stopped, at the light. Fourth, at least one lane (the one you're in, with Barney) must be clear. As you roll up to this stoplight, your senses have to be at their peak, like a tiger ready to pounce on its prey. What are you focused on? The other (perpendicular) stoplight. As you're approaching, maybe 6 car lengths away (don't quote me on the math on this one or Mythbusters will likely slay my ass), you need to see that other light on yellow. Keep maintaining your speed. You can't just simply stop at your red light like those other suckers. As you watch the cross street's light turn red, you have that split second before your light flashes green. Floor it! You're going to hit the crosswalk as your light changes green, passing the other cars at 40-50 MPH while their feet are still on their respective brakes. Yabba dabba doo! Sure, there are risks involved with this. What if a drunk driver (or a sober driver) runs that red light and T-bones you? What if there's an ambulance barreling through? What if the blasted light just gives double green arrows to everyone turning left? Well, buddy, then you're fucked. But pull this maneuver off, and you've done something pretty darn fun and completely legal in your car. If you've got any better tricks up your sleeve, let me know. Have fun! -T You can now find me all over the web:  Like Monster Cards on Facebook (Frequent updates and scans of new inventory - graded and ungraded!)
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Inside My Brain