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4-23-2006 Before the advent of the iPod and all its competitors, there was discussion of things known as "Desert Island CDs." Simply put, if you were stranded on a desert island, what songs would you want with you? Of course, this whole debate made assumptions about various things: 1) You would have some sort of player for your music. 2) The player would have to be solar-powered. If not, who would choose long songs like Freebird or In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida that would wear out your batteries? We're talking about getting some bang for your buck here. 3) Gilligan wouldn't be on the island, or else your music player of choice would be broken 0.73 seconds after washing ashore. Plenty of people like to rattle off lists of their favorite things. Top 5 and Top 10 Lists are well-known staples. That's all fine and good, but what about the other end of the spectrum? The only place you can read about dislikes anymore is in the pages of Playboy. (So I've heard.) Well, enough of that! But I'm not going to bore you with my Desert Island picks. No, I'm going to bore you with a list of songs I absolutely, positively HATE! These are songs so diabolically terrible that if I was in a car driving, riding shotgun, backseat, or in the trunk, I would do anything in my power to change the station. And not only that. I would also curse the radio station for playing the song, flail my arms and make such a scene so as to put the rest of the people in the car (or on the island, as it were) in grave physical danger. Yes, I really enjoy good music. By the same token, I really hate bad music. The particular pattern you will see is that most of the songs I hate can only be classified as whiny garbage. There are also a couple ground rules I adhered to: Can't be country. (too easy) Has to be fairly well-known. Has to be genuinely crappy, not just annoyingly overplayed. So, in loose order from bad to worst, here you go.... #11 - Losing My Religion (R.E.M) I think I thought this song either goes way way over my head, or it just plain sucks. I've heard this song plenty of times in my life. I've listened. I've analyzed. I've tried to understand it. Verdict: Suck. #10 - Yesterday (The Beatles) To be one of the most influencial groups in history and encourage your masses of fans to look back at how much better the past was compared to the present is a travesty. My advice is to drink a tall cold glass of Fleetwood Mac. "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow...It'll be better than before. Yesterday's gone. Yesterday's gone." #9 - Lying Eyes (The Eagles) Maybe there is some sort of story behind this song. Maybe there isn't. But would this song ever help speed along my workday? Would it help me cope with being cheated on? No and no. So what's the point? I'm encouraged to say, "Maybe if you didn't suck so hard-core, she wouldn't be headed to the cheating side of town." #8 - Turn the Page (Bob Seger) We get it. You're alone, your hearing goes in and out, you don't smell good, you're not a snappy dresser, and you have someone following you around throwing saxaphone for dramatic effect. Bra-vo. As Roseanne Rosannadanna would say, "You sound like one really attractive guy!" #7 - Hey Nineteen (Steely Dan) Drugs are bad, mmm-kay. #6 - Starry Night (Don McLean, apparently remade by Josh Groban) It boggles my mind that the public can be captivated by a song like this. Sure sure, we all fell victim to catchy tunes like Mambo #5, the Macarena, and Who Let the Dogs Out, but at least they were upbeat and goofy fun. Starry Night? A self-respecting dog wouldn't even howl to that. #5 - Imagine (John Lennon) OK, so I kind of get the message in this song (and it rather clashes with making a list of your most-hated songs, but whatever). But it's dreadfully slow, it's holier-than-thou, and to me it isn't optimistic. That Coke commercial from the 70s - now there's optimism done right. This song is all wrong. #4 - Last Kiss (J. Frank Wilson and the Cavaliers, remake by Pearl Jam) Jeez, this song is so freakin' lame! A first grader could have written the simple and awkwardly straight-forward lyrics. Can you imagine the poor guy singing this song? He's got to be the absolute life of the party! I see this happening at a random high school "social": Suzy (stereotypical early 60s cheerleader): Gee Ronnie, what's wrong with Johnny? Ronnie (stereotypical early 60s football QB): Well Suzy, ever since Johnny's girlfriend died in that car accident, he's been a mess. Suzy: That poor guy, I heard he's been falling behind in his studies too. Ronnie: Yeah, all he does is cry and caress that strand of her hair he found on his shirt. Suzy: Oh. That what he's doing? Um, I'm a little creeped out; let's get some punch...in the other room. Side note: I don't have the cold hard facts, but this might be Pearl Jam's biggest selling mainstream song. Isn't that a travesty!? Eddie is the first mammal to wear (and do other things in) pants, and this is how a big cross-section of humanity is going to remember him? #3 - Tequila Sunrise (The Eagles) What's this, you ask? Another Eagles song? Indeed. Holy crap are we getting into some dangerous territory at this point. I feel like donning a full radiation suit so I don't contract cancer from the extremely high suckiness levels. What is this song anyway? The only thing I like more than changing the station on this song is thinking about how it must have inspired every cop character Bruce Willis has ever played. It must have been a real treat enduring some Eagles concerts back in the day (or on the reunion tour). What happens if they play Tequila Sunrise, Lying Eyes, and Desperado all in a row? Do they tour with psychiatrists that can help people on the spot? Do the concession stands stock nooses and lethal doses of morphine? I'll never know. And do you know why? No one has ever gone an Eagles concert and lived to tell about it! #2 - Dust in the Wind (Kansas) Let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if The Eagles tried to acquire this song from Kansas when they first heard it. What would possess someone to write this song? And what would make someone want to listen to it? Seriously. If there was someone I knew and cared about who actually liked this song, I would dial the Suicide Hotline and line up counseling for them without delay. Note: The only thing that saves this from the top spot is Frank the Tank's over-the-top rendition from Old School. And as much as I like that movie, even that scene is painful to watch. #1 - Baker St. (Gerry Rafferty, remake by Foo Fighters) Where to start with this uninspired string of drivel? How about the intro, which is about as exciting as watching someone gradually tap a bent nail straight again only to watch them severely rebend it with their hammer's next blow. The lyrics go nowhere. The voice and tone should be packaged as a nighttime sleep aid (surely without 'addition' as a side effect). The music and sax are so overly dramatic for a song that is as droll as it gets. Gross. Every time I hear this song I feel like I have to take a shower and wash it off. And there you have it. Some of the worst steaming piles of dung disguised as music to ever hit the airwaves. Such terror that I couldn't stop at a round number; I had to expose all eleven. To anyone I've offended, don't feel bad; you probably hate some songs I like too. In a way, that's what makes the world go 'round. For now, I'm off to listen to some Zeppelin bootlegs... Have fun! -T |
Inside My Brain