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08-12-2008 With training camps starting up and many fantasy football drafts right around the corner, it's time the world met Guff O'Drafften, also known as Fantasy Guff. One caveat: Don't let Guff join one of your fantasy leagues. His beatdowns have reduced grown men, proud men, into blubbering little girls with tears and snot dripping into their beers on Sundays. Lucky for us, Fantasy Guff will be contributing from time to time this season, delighting us with his tasty fantasy droppings when he has time. Hope you enjoy hearing from him as much as I do. Since this is the preseason, here are some of his credentials: 
Fantasy Guff is immortal. He won the first ever fantasy league. This was before baseball was invented, before the Olympics originated, even before the dinosaurs. In the beginning of time, he won the universe's first fantasy contest (against the Almighty, whoever you believe that to be) by predicting in what order the planets of our solar system would align from the sun. He wasn't just right; he also correctly guessed how many moons each planet would have.
Fantasy Guff goes to Stonehenge every year at exactly midnight on December 31st. He brings only three things: a notebook, a pen, and a case of beer. He leaves seven hours later with draft lists for every sport that year. Guff knows why Stonehenge was created, but has only told one man, a man whom he swore to secrecy. That man was D.B. Cooper.
Guff doesn't just play in fantasy leagues. He plays in fantasy Leagues of Nations. After a fantasy baseball victory over Gorbachev in 1989, the Soviets had to pay up in the form of tearing down the Berlin Wall. Had Guff lost, what we call the Grand Canyon would instead be known as The World's Largest Vodka Tonic.
Guff considers it a hollow victory if he doesn't sweep every category in rotisserie leagues. He has never lost a weekly head-to-head matchup.
After Michael Jordan was cut from his high school varsity team as a sophomore, Guff told him not to give up.
Money is of no conern to Guff. He doesn't play fantasy sports for money. His income stems from a successful chain of BBQ restaurants called Guff's Ribs and Heartburn. His restaurants have restrooms, but they are only for use by non-customers.
Fantasy Guff only drinks three things: Gatorade, Bud Light, and chili.
Guff was the inspiration for the character Jobe in the movie The Lawnmower Man. Strangely enough, he was also the inspiration for David Hasselhoff's character (Mitch Buchannon) in Baywatch.
In one of Guff's keeper leagues, he drafted the Vikings' Adrian Peterson.....in 1992.
Guff's belches are not like yours or mine. He only belches in two tunes: The Star-Spangled Banner and Voodoo Chile.
By 2011, all ESPN anchors must be "Guff-certified."
Just for a challenge, one year Guff drafted his whole fantasy football team while swimming through the Everglades with pockets full of raw hamburger. He could have used a cell phone to say the names of his picks, but instead he sent them via morse code. Still, the beatings laid out by Guff in this league were so devastating that after the season several of the other owners left their jobs and families and left the country, never to be heard from again.
Guff now sponsors and goes on missions to remote parts of Central and Southern America. On these trips, he educates the native peoples about fantasy sports, hoping to one day find his equal.
Look for Fantasy Guff's insights sprinkled in throughout the football season. Have fun! -T |
Inside My Brain